Don't Ask Questions
by ShadowSong StarGlaive The Wolf
Summary: Red Vs Blue. Miniature shots of what goes on at Blood Gulch, from slam-attack morning wake up calls to Welcome to War! campers to various head injuries. Lovely little amounts of Church/Tex. Blip 2 here!
1. Good Morning, Cappy!

A/N Don't know when this is set, but just go along with it.

Disclaimer: Don't own RvB, but if I did, well, there would be a few members of the Blue team in my closet... DOING MY LAUNDRY HAHAHAHA.

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A few crackles and snaps, accompanied by 'ouch's and 'I think it's moving!' alerted Leonard L. Church that something was not quite right at the Blue Base, stationed in Blood Gulch.

He was about to get up and do something about it when he realized that nothing is every really right at Blue Base, and that ten more minutes of sleep versus being awake wouldn't change much, besides how much hair loss Tucker would suffer from fire damage created by Caboose.

Comprising for a different method of discipline, Church took the route most parental units use when they no longer have the will to live, but feel they must have some semblance of control anyway-

"Do NOT make me come down there!"

One… two… three…

"Bow-chicka-bow-wow!"

"Day 546 of this misery- Private Tucker dies," muttered Church, burying his face deeper into his bunk, savoring the warmth-

_**WHAM!!**_

"My best friend is awake! IT'S FUN TIME, CHURCH, IT'S FUN TIME!"

"Shut up, Caboose!" growled Church, swatting above his head with a pillow. But due to Caboose's sheer size and armor weight, it was similar to throwing pebbles at the Empire State Building, if the Empire State Building was giving you a head massage with a dishwasher scrubbie.

"I read on the Internetz that massages cause people to be happy! Are you happy, Church?"

"Internetz? What are you, twelve? No, don't answer that." Church rolled out of his bunk and stumbled to the shower, hitting several objects that he didn't care to avoid on the way there. He began to feel around the metal sink of the bathroom for the necessary cleansing materials- of which there was only a rusty razor. There was also a pink bowtie on the door to the room with the shower in it, but Church assumed that Caboose wanted to make Church's room colorful in effort to win him over as his best friend.

"Did you eat the shampoo again? Just because it's fruit-scented doesn't mean it's edible." _Maybe it will kill him, _thought the Blue team leader hopefully, then realized, after Caboose had ingested the antifreeze for the Warthog, he'd probably built up a resistance.

_It kinds of makes you wonder just what he ate as a kid, _mused the soldier, collecting the same towel he'd used for the past 546 days (it just dried overnight, and held up quite well) and stepped into the shower, _it'd be interesting to go into his files and find out exactly what happened to him-_

"Excuse me, but if the pink _papillion _is on the door, then the shower is occupied!" crisply snapped a voice from the steamy depths of the shower.

"What the h-" started to scream Church when Donut poked his head out of the shower (in a cap, of course- he does his hair afterwards in the sink) and said, "Simmons used all the hot water in making a bubble bath for Sarge."

With an animal-like grunt/shriek, Church whipped around to go use another shower on the other side of the base.

But by this point, Church had forgotten that he slept in the nude, he had dropped his towel in shock of seeing Donut that early in the morning- and then realized by this point, Tex was up.

"Hey, I know you're desperate, but it's 7:30," she commented, drying her hair from her shower. "At least wait until I've had my coffee, and we can talk about the times and details later."

"-- and your grandmother" was Church's irate reply.

Pitying him slightly, Tex threw her towel at the parts of him that needed one and walked back into her room, smiling a little.

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After a shampoo-less shower and skipping a shave (with his luck, he'd probably slash himself with the razor, imaging his throat to be any of the other members of the base) Church stumbled downstairs and was greeted by a rather odd sight.

Well, it all depends on your perspective. If mountains of pancakes, bowls of warm syrup, and cups of fresh fruit sitting on the metal military-issued table is normal, then the next scene will most likely bore you. Re-read the previous scenes to get a bit of a laugh, then skip to the next scene.

"Wha…" mumbled Church before remembering his own rule- never ask questions if there are many possibilities for an answer.

"Sister found a bunch of pancake mix at the red base and brought it over, and the fruit and syrup, well, Grif and Simmons actually started a garden together," explained Tucker's voice from behind a large stack of rapidly depleting pancakes.

"You do know that the reds are the ENEMY?!" snarled Church, but then was hit by the amazing aroma of freshly baked goods, and said, "I'll think about that in fifteen minutes."

"These are gluten-free healthy-choice low-fat flapjacks," said Sister, sitting next to Tucker and eating green-colored pancakes. "And I added food coloring to some of them because studies show that colors make people happy. Apparently, green is revitalization, yellow is optimism, and blue is positive and happy energy."

_That doesn't seem right, or else I'd be like Donut all the time when the new armor catalogue comes in,_ cynically thought Church as he looked around for forks and knives to eat with. "Where are the forks and stuff?"

"Doc said to cleanse the base of negative energy, anything sharp needed to be taken out," said Sister.

"Then what am I supposed to eat with?" grumbled Church, and then held up his hand when Sister opened her mouth. "No, I don't want an answer!" He settled for the lack of eating tools and just folded up the pancake and stuffed fruit and syrup in it, and ate it like that. Some of the sticky maple goodness ran down his arm, but for now, he just didn't care.

At this moment, Caboose came down the stairs with the dishwasher scrubbie, happily crying, "BEST FRIEND! YOU'RE EATING!"

"I'm going upstairs to smother myself," announced Church, taking his pancake wrap with him.

As he went to up the gravity lift to his room, Tex met him at the top and said, "We just got a new shipment of sniper rifles from Command, and they want us to test it out. Now, or in ten minutes after you smother yourself?"

"I'm not letting you handle those guns before I do," said Church, feeling a little better at the prospect of shooting things.

"Bow-chicka-bow-wow!" yelled Tucker from downstairs.

"It's like magic," observed Tex as the two walked to the shooting range. "I wonder…" she murmured, and lowered her voice to a whisper, "Wow, how much ammo can your gun take?"

One… Two… Three…

"He didn't hear you," said Church in amazement. "This goes down in Blood Gulch history."

"Well, I'll take this gun if you prefer the bigger ones, I think it's easier to maneuver the smaller ones," said Tex, taking a couple out of the box and eyeing them.

There was the _zwoom _of the gravity lift and Tucker came running up. "Bow-chicka-bow-wow times 2! I was eating during the first one!" He returned to the kitchen area with a bit of a skip to his step.

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"This one is a bit off in the zoom but the firing is great," said Tex, marking some notes down on a clipboard and shooting some more at the cardboard cutout targets shaped like familiar people, in familiar colors.

Actually, they weren't cardboard- they were real people, but who was keeping track of how many people there were in Blood Gulch anyway?

"Donut runs pretty fast," observed Church, tracking him with his new sniper rifle. "But why does he do horse-steps instead of actual running?"

"He told me this morning that is strengthens your calf and thigh muscles while increasing your knee flexibility," explained Tex, loading some more ammo in.

"Why-"

"Don't ask questions," said Tex, firing another gun. "Okay, this one is the best so far."

"Chuuuuurrrrrchhhhhh," called several voices from inside the base.

"WHAT?" he yelled, and then his radio crackled on.

"We need a question answered. And you could have just used your radio to ask what, you know," reprimanded Doc, "screaming doesn't aid your vocal chords at all. Warm water with honey will clear up your scratchy voice, it's a quick fix-"

"I DON'T CARE!" screamed Church, and tightened his fists in frustration.

Unfortunately, his hand was around the trigger, and thus set of a reaction that many seasoned veterans would call 'a gunshot.'

What Church did not know was that he had grabbed, not a gun, but a newly stylized grenade launcher.

He also did not realize that he had turned to hear the yelling better and was now facing his room.

Thus the end result of this was that his room had been transformed into a pile of smoldering ashes.

(Ten minutes later)

The rest of the residents of Blood Gulch, fearing the blue leader's wrath, had fled to the Red Base to make lunch out of Grif and Simmon's garden.

Church had his head in Tex lap and muttering incoherent mumbles, twitching occasionally.

"Well, it's not like you lost a whole lot," said Tex, messing with his hair because she had removed his helmet. "You didn't bring anything to base when you first came."

Church inhaled, and his dog tags shifted, along with the engagement ring that was with them as well. "Right…"

"Chuuuuuurch," whined Caboose from downstairs. "Tucker stole my Pixie Stix!"

"I'm going to kill them all," murmured Church as he fell asleep.

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A/N REVIEW! They are love.


	2. Happy Camping

A/N This was fun to write. Therefore there shall be more written. You gotta love logic. By the way, I'm a major Church/Tex shipper, so if I want to write them, I will. Haha.

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"I'm not doing this," growled Church as three small eleven-year olds gazed up at his tall form. "When I was this age I was getting punted by the football players from the high school."

"You let them do that?" asked Tucker in amazement, all the while eyeing the female chaperones that had lead the children to Welcome to War! Camp.

"I was picked on a kid a lot… kind of scrawny," admitted Church, then added in a rather scary voice, "until I started doing weights and crunches every day and when I was 15 I went and beat the crap out the of them…"

"Ahem," said Tex, coming over. "I helped."

"Wait, you two knew each other in high school?" said Tucker, now interested.

"Yeah, since freshman year," Tex said, "and I helped because the football players kept hitting on the girl's fencing team, but none of the girls wanted to help attack them, so me and Church got together to unite against them."

"Mr. Church, where do we sleep?" asked one of the tinier ones wearing a blue shirt.

"We don't sleep here," replied the pseudo-leader. "You run during the nights until you die."

"Quit scaring them," snapped Tex, looking at her group, four weedy boys staring at her. "WHAT?" she barked at them, and they scattered for the safety of Caboose, who was giving out free hugs. (Tucker had been giving out 25 cent ones earlier.) Church's group fled as well upon hearing his cute coming-of-age story.

"Did you honestly think this was a good idea? We already have as many idiots as we need here. Adding 10 more won't help," muttered Church, leaning his head against the base wall, trying to meld with it and live in the cool steel forever.

"It gave us extra funding. And after Junior left for "space camp"," finger-quoted Tex, out of sight range of Tucker, who had not known that Caboose had actually knocked the alien out with a egg dicer and was now resting comatose in a closet under the watch of Doc, who had nothing to do now that no one else was pregnant, "Tucker's needed someone to mother over."

"And over here," loudly announced Tucker, showing the grav lift to the campers, "is the Fun Site of Awesome Flying!"

"Wow," chorused all the young boys, gazing at their near death.

"Mrs. Church, where do we sleep?" asked an extremely tiny boy, poking her in the thigh.

"There are some cots in the back of the kitchen we set up-" started Tex in a bored voice, then realized that Church, Tucker, and even Caboose were staring at her, most likely slack jawed through their helmets. "I mean, I am TEX, call me TEX, I am in NO WAY affiliated with Leo-" the blue team gasped at this slip of the tongue "I mean my boyfriend" another gasp "JUST GO TO THE KITCHEN AND SLEEP OKAY?!" she finished with a sweeping finish of elegance and dignity. Or something to that matter.

The boys fled, leaving a huge wave of dust in their wake. An awkward silence prevailed, and then, after a few minutes, Caboose said, "Mrs. Church, where do I sleep?"

(Fifteen minutes later)

"Wow, what happened?" asked Doc, who was with Donut painting Junior's nails with a sparkly blue polish (Donut's last-season throw outs). Caboose had come in limping, covered in thick black dust, and had a nervous twitch to his left leg.

"Mrs. Church is not happily married," he muttered, and collapsed on top of Junior, smearing the nail polish.

"No no no no!" cried Donut, trying to salvage the wreckage of what was going to be a beautiful manicure. Due to the minor truce going on between the armies (Sarge was trying to hibernate, and Simmons had put Grif in a coma), Donut was spending some good times with Doc and Junior.

And thus, the closet became refuge for yet another member of the warring Blood Gulch teams.

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"So, trainees," said Church, walking up and down the line of targets while the campers were armed with BB guns. "These are your enemies," he said, sweeping his arm out to show the targets painted crimson with… well, it didn't look like paint. It looked suspiciously like the bodily fluids that a naïve happy young blue team member had donated to yet another cause. "And in ten seconds, I will give you command to fire. The first one to get all the ammunition in the middle circle can eat tonight."

"That's kind of harsh," commented Tucker from the sidelines, taking a Diet Coke from one of the kids and tipping back his helmet, sucking the whole thing down. "Ahhh… why don't they ever send us these from Command?"

"Because last time they did that someone packaged Mentos with it, and it leaked during shipment," said Church, tilting one the camper's guns towards the target and not the kid next to him. "And that's also why none of us had new underwear for eight months."

"Yeah, thank God Donut sewed us those briefs out of towels," sighed Tucker. "Although the red did bleed out after a while… Speaking of which, is my butt still pink? Seriously. I can't tell."

"I am NOT having this discussion with you," groaned Church. "Ready… fire!"

Bullets flew everywhere, bouncing off targets, hitting other campers, and generally causing massive amounts of chaos. Tucker managed to fling himself into a corner, but Church was rather unlucky in that most of the bullets happened to slam into his helmet, throwing him on the ground and crushing several of the tinier campers.

Doc came running out at the commotion, yelling, "I've got new gauzes I need to try out! Who's first? Who's first?"

"Get Church first," snapped Tex, speedily leaping over some of the campers and scooping them up at the same time. "He's the only injured one."

"Mommy?" whispered one of the campers in a daze. "I swear I won't eat your deodorant again, I promise. Take me home."

"MY LIFE!" screamed Tucker. "Flashing before my eyes!- oooh. That was nice. MmmHMMMM-"

"Shut up, Tucker, help Doc carry Church inside. I've got the sedatives for the kids," ordered Tex, and then, walking past Doc, muttered, "Don't give him Ibuprofen- he prefers Tylenol."

Before Doc could react, she was pushing kids into a paddock-like area and said, "Do you guys know each other's favorite colors? No? Well, who all likes blue?" A few kids raised their hands nervously, and then she said, "Now who likes green?" Some more hands popped up. "Now who likes red?"

Some more kids raised their hands, and the blue kids quickly fell upon them, yelling, "RED SUCKS!" A small scuffle ensued, even involving some of the greens. The rest of the colors stood to the side, wondering what was going on, and why hadn't Mrs. Church asked about yellow?

Tex began to run towards the closet/refuge center, telling herself it was because she wanted to beat Tucker over the head for letting the kids use close-fire range so early, not because she cared what happened to her boyfr- ARGHGGHGH! "GET OUT OF MY HEAD!" screamed Tex.

"Mrs. Church? Do you like yellow?" nervously asked one of the girls.

Simultaneously with the question came Tucker's screaming, "JUNIOR! WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO YOU? WHY AREN'T YOU AT SPACE CAMP?"

Several more bullets were fired by a lone kid who had accidently kept his rifle, and more screaming ensued, followed by girly cries of "Floofykins!! NOOOOO!"

And to top it off, a call from the outside of Blue Base… "TADAAA! THE REDS ARE HERE, BLUES! TAKE THIS!" and a small scarlet ball flew into the base, spraying smoke everywhere…

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"So everything's okay?" asked Church suspiciously. "Nobody's dead? Caboose didn't get mauled by a Red? Tucker wasn't made sterile by the smoke bomb somehow? Please, make my day. Say somebody died? At least Caboose? Please?"

"Sorry, no," said Tex, in the closet along with a sleeping Junior and Doc, who snoozing on one of the cots. "The only thing that happened was the smoke lifted after about three minutes. The campers got the Reds and pushed them back to their base- and took all their toiletries as a bribe not to storm the base," she added with satisfaction. "We'll be getting a good bonus from command anytime now. They said it was for 'good work with the children'. Basically, it kept the whackos out of their parents faces for another week."

"I wonder why they got pretty aggressive all the sudden?" mused Church, resting his head back on the pillow. He had several bruises on his head but nothing bad due to the excellent armor that he had stolen from the new shipment from command.

"I think the smoke smelled like that foam stuff you have to get crammed in your mouth at the dentist's. That crud always got me angry as a kid," said Tex. "It's no wonder they went crazy."

"At least they're gone now," sighed Church, and rolled over. "God, what did that kid fire?"

"One of Tucker's 'specially modified' rifles," answered Tex. "Dunno why he had those out…"

"Mrs. Church?" asked a small voice from the corner of the closet. "Why is everybody gone?"

"They left one!" gasped Tex.

"Good, now we have a miniature slave," said Church, closing his eyes and dozing off against the softy-white pillow.

Tex got up to dial for Command to come get the kid. Someone had to make sure the base didn't go to Hades... or would it be more fun to watch?

A/N Reviews are love!


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